So far in my job I've beaten on 4 people, cut down 3 people hanging from sheets, and done chest compressions on 1 dead man. He was already cold when we found him, and we all knew it was useless. But we couldn't stop until EMTs arrived. It made me grow to hate the people in charge, forcing us to do this job when it was clearly a waste of effort and only served to further offend our minds. It may sound callous, or evil, but it is what it is. Before you judge imagine working for 12 hours straight, 4 days in a row, the entire time being yelled at and cursed at and forced to interact with these people. Imagine knowing that the people around you are rapists, drug dealers, users, abusers, attempted murderers, and everything in between. Imagine the stress associated with the job, and imagine trying to make it through the day without breaking down and crying. I will admit that it was hard to bottle it up when the man was cold, blue, and staring into my eyes with his un-seeing eyes when we opened the cell block door. Anyone who says the first dead body is nothing is lying to you to make you feel better. We have the highest rate of alcoholism, divorce, and suicide of any proffession. Would knowing this have changed my mind about my career? No, I've wanted to do this since I was 11 years old. I've grown up around these men and women and never once heard about the downsides. But I don't hold it against them. My friend asked me about the situations I've been in and I found myself pissed off that this outsider who I've known for years was trying to worm his way into the experiences I've had. The questions were soaked in distaste and condescension, and he asked again and again if this is what I really thought I wanted to do for a living. This experience and others similar to it showed me why we don't tell outsiders about the hardships. They can't understand and when they try they try to "fix us" or "help us". We don't want help, we want peace. That means shut up and drink your beer quietly, talking about work when we're off duty is not high on our list of things to do.
But we force ourselves to, if only to work through it. We form a tight-knit group who we know we can talk to with zero judgement, because they've been there. And if they haven't, they are still a brother or sister who knows that one day they will have to deal with the situation like the one we did. There's a level of understanding that civilians, outsiders, just cannot grasp. They find a dead body and they freak, call 911 and then answer questions for the investigators. We are forced to handle the body and the family, if it is soon enough we are forced to try and save someone who doesn't want to be on this Earth anymore.
Stress is a killer, and that is a great way to ratchet it up a few cranks.
I am 24 at the time of this writing, and proud to have achieved my dream of becoming a Deputy Sheriff.
Sunday, April 20, 2014
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Have you ever felt so in Love that you couldn't stop thinking about the person? It kinda sucks sometimes.
I slaved away through high school maintaining a 4.0 average while working a solid 35 to 40 hours a week, every week. I was in the marching, concert, and jazz bands. I drove my sisters to the places they "needed" to go. I was heavily involved with my local 4H working at the camps and shooting competitions along with our annual county fair, helping to set up the stables so as to manage the cattle, sheep, pigs, and horses.
I share this with you so you understand what I did so that when you read whats coming up you don't sit there and say man up and quit sitting on your ass doing nothing about fixing whats bothering you.
Every time I was asked to hang out I would hang out as much as I could. But it was never enough. Several times I was invited to hangout with my best friend, who I happen to be in love with going on 8 years now. Unfortunately I never got to spend anywhere near enough time with her outside of school. Between her working, me working, school, and my sisters random shenanigans I missed out on something I would have gladly killed to have. I love her more then I ever thought possible.
I tried to move on, dating a few girls here and there. I grew up real fast when my girlfriend/fiancée of 2 1/2 years broke up with me, only for me to find out about a month later she had been cheating on me for about a month before the end of our relationship. That hurt more then the breaking up itself. I felt worthless, a complete and total fool for having trusted the whore.
I stayed single for a while, and then took up with another girl, but that lasted about 3 weeks. She was a complete psycho, in every sense of the word. After a week I was being told that she loved me and wanted to get married. We had known each other for about 2 months at this point.
However, throughout all of this I never forgot my best friend. The girl I loved the most, the longest, and the love that stabbed the worst of the barbs into my heart.
Iver never forgotten how amazing she made me feel. Every time she walked into the room and saw me she had the most amazing smile that jumped up and lit up the room. She was incredably funny, and amazingly beautiful. She was the best of any of us with none of the worst. And I miss her everyday.
But I think about her at least 5,000 times a day. Thats a minimum number I think. And it's nothing stalker-ish, I honestly don't know what it is. I have tried, many times, to move on and forget those feelings I have for her. But every time I meet a new person who I have an interest in dating she gets compared to my friend. And somehow they always fall obscenely short of her. All I want is to be over her. We talk a fair amount considering we're separated by about 1,000 miles, literally.
If any of you have ever heard that Vanessa Carlton song "A Thousand Miles" then you know exactly how I feel. I would gladly walk it to see her smile. I don't know if that makes me sad or a stalker or just a psycho who can't grow up and move on, but there it is, a little piece of me shared with the world.
Howdy, and goodnight.
I slaved away through high school maintaining a 4.0 average while working a solid 35 to 40 hours a week, every week. I was in the marching, concert, and jazz bands. I drove my sisters to the places they "needed" to go. I was heavily involved with my local 4H working at the camps and shooting competitions along with our annual county fair, helping to set up the stables so as to manage the cattle, sheep, pigs, and horses.
I share this with you so you understand what I did so that when you read whats coming up you don't sit there and say man up and quit sitting on your ass doing nothing about fixing whats bothering you.
Every time I was asked to hang out I would hang out as much as I could. But it was never enough. Several times I was invited to hangout with my best friend, who I happen to be in love with going on 8 years now. Unfortunately I never got to spend anywhere near enough time with her outside of school. Between her working, me working, school, and my sisters random shenanigans I missed out on something I would have gladly killed to have. I love her more then I ever thought possible.
I tried to move on, dating a few girls here and there. I grew up real fast when my girlfriend/fiancée of 2 1/2 years broke up with me, only for me to find out about a month later she had been cheating on me for about a month before the end of our relationship. That hurt more then the breaking up itself. I felt worthless, a complete and total fool for having trusted the whore.
I stayed single for a while, and then took up with another girl, but that lasted about 3 weeks. She was a complete psycho, in every sense of the word. After a week I was being told that she loved me and wanted to get married. We had known each other for about 2 months at this point.
However, throughout all of this I never forgot my best friend. The girl I loved the most, the longest, and the love that stabbed the worst of the barbs into my heart.
Iver never forgotten how amazing she made me feel. Every time she walked into the room and saw me she had the most amazing smile that jumped up and lit up the room. She was incredably funny, and amazingly beautiful. She was the best of any of us with none of the worst. And I miss her everyday.
But I think about her at least 5,000 times a day. Thats a minimum number I think. And it's nothing stalker-ish, I honestly don't know what it is. I have tried, many times, to move on and forget those feelings I have for her. But every time I meet a new person who I have an interest in dating she gets compared to my friend. And somehow they always fall obscenely short of her. All I want is to be over her. We talk a fair amount considering we're separated by about 1,000 miles, literally.
If any of you have ever heard that Vanessa Carlton song "A Thousand Miles" then you know exactly how I feel. I would gladly walk it to see her smile. I don't know if that makes me sad or a stalker or just a psycho who can't grow up and move on, but there it is, a little piece of me shared with the world.
Howdy, and goodnight.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
On our soldiers and such
I am sick of people giving me shit for my personal political views, I am so tired about getting shit for my views of the world and what's going on in it. If your one of the people who gave me the load about 'em, congrats..... you made me get so fed up I had to write a blog about it. So let me go ahead and lay 'em out for you. If you don't agree with them, tough shit, freedom of speech. Get over it.
First off, there is no way in hell I am anti-war. I am, if anything, pro-war. But the reasons have to be real. WW1- Our people were killed on a "neutral" ship. We didn't go to war based on assumptions and greed. We went to war to defend our homes and allies. WW2, we jumped in feet first in the European theatre, followed by the Pacific theatre. They were going on in the same time frame, but we went to war with Japan, yet agian, not because of greed or assumptions, we had proof. Korea and Vietnam, while I don't agree with the idea that helped us get involved, I understand why we did it. However, we did it to try and make the world safe for everyone. The current war is just a load of bullshit. The press has lied to us. The government has always lied to cover it's own ass. As far as I'm concerned, we don't need a government that is dishonest with it's own citizens.I can understand the need for some secerts, just for the sake of security, but why lie about why your doing something. If W (dubya) had just said "Hey, look y'all, It's gettin ugly over in retard land and we need oil to fuel our nation, so we're goin in to seize 'em and take control." he might have had more support, but no. He had to lie about why he's goin into the Mid-East.He's a stupid, greedy, asshole of a guy.
Next, I swear to you, the next person to say that because I'm anti-(Mid-east)-war , I must have a problem with our veterans, i will destroy. I love our vets for what they did. They risked their lives so that we could always see the red, white and blue flapping in the wind. I have no problem with any vets of any war. Ever.
Next "war". The war on Drugs, "Oh, No, drugs, their evil and meant to be despised." Get over yourselves. The only reason we have a war on drugs is becaue of the Vietnam war. I hate to tell you guys this, but the numbers are in, and have been for a while. Hot newsflash, One out of four bodybags coming to the states from Vietnam was because of soldiers OD'ing on heroin. the ones who didn't die their brought their addiction back here after the war. They had a major hand in shipping drugs here to sell. They would stuff bricks of the stuff into the body bags with the bodies. What they need to do is legalize and purify all drugs. If you get busted while driving or something that would require speed and some accuracy while under the influence, instant execution. You have endangered the lives of everyone on the road, you slimeball.
These are just a few of my views. If you took the time to read this, thank you . I appriciate it. If you didn't agree with my views, well tough, welcome to America, land of the FREE.
First off, there is no way in hell I am anti-war. I am, if anything, pro-war. But the reasons have to be real. WW1- Our people were killed on a "neutral" ship. We didn't go to war based on assumptions and greed. We went to war to defend our homes and allies. WW2, we jumped in feet first in the European theatre, followed by the Pacific theatre. They were going on in the same time frame, but we went to war with Japan, yet agian, not because of greed or assumptions, we had proof. Korea and Vietnam, while I don't agree with the idea that helped us get involved, I understand why we did it. However, we did it to try and make the world safe for everyone. The current war is just a load of bullshit. The press has lied to us. The government has always lied to cover it's own ass. As far as I'm concerned, we don't need a government that is dishonest with it's own citizens.I can understand the need for some secerts, just for the sake of security, but why lie about why your doing something. If W (dubya) had just said "Hey, look y'all, It's gettin ugly over in retard land and we need oil to fuel our nation, so we're goin in to seize 'em and take control." he might have had more support, but no. He had to lie about why he's goin into the Mid-East.He's a stupid, greedy, asshole of a guy.
Next, I swear to you, the next person to say that because I'm anti-(Mid-east)-war , I must have a problem with our veterans, i will destroy. I love our vets for what they did. They risked their lives so that we could always see the red, white and blue flapping in the wind. I have no problem with any vets of any war. Ever.
Next "war". The war on Drugs, "Oh, No, drugs, their evil and meant to be despised." Get over yourselves. The only reason we have a war on drugs is becaue of the Vietnam war. I hate to tell you guys this, but the numbers are in, and have been for a while. Hot newsflash, One out of four bodybags coming to the states from Vietnam was because of soldiers OD'ing on heroin. the ones who didn't die their brought their addiction back here after the war. They had a major hand in shipping drugs here to sell. They would stuff bricks of the stuff into the body bags with the bodies. What they need to do is legalize and purify all drugs. If you get busted while driving or something that would require speed and some accuracy while under the influence, instant execution. You have endangered the lives of everyone on the road, you slimeball.
These are just a few of my views. If you took the time to read this, thank you . I appriciate it. If you didn't agree with my views, well tough, welcome to America, land of the FREE.
Some poems I wrote
I look out at the moon,
And can't help but to think of you,
The nights I've spent dreaming of you,
Your smell, your touch, your taste
I still do, even though I know,
Never can I have you
never again will I be close enough,
to have your scent in my nose,
Feel your fingers on my arm,
your hot breath tickling my ear
laughing at our private little joke,
never will I get close enough
to taste your skin again
feel your weight in my arms
a feather compared to the pull at my heart
your prescence alone almost brings me to my knees,
and after your gone your memory often will
I see you, taste you, feel you, hear you everywhere
Damn you for having this power
not even realizing it, not caring
ignoring what you don't want to know.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Candle lights and your memory
How your body feels,
pressed so tight to mine,
the sting and scrape,
your teeth meeting my neck
bolts of lightning shooting,
from my head to my toes,
centering and collecting,
shocking and exciting
begging, needing, wanting release
from the mental bonds
you look into my eyes
with those beautiful, gorgeous emeralds
tempting and teasing
filling my dreams
with those eyes
But then we dive back into eachother
tasting and teasing the other
causing storms to rip through
shredding, destroying, exciting all
our bodies
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The rain washes the asphalt clean
slides the red stain into the drain
the skid marks are left for now
a physical reainder of the hearts pain
sheared metal reaching towards the sky
the hands of the damned
created from moments of violence
and then the hours of silence
of dreams to often dreamt
and wishes no genie would fulfill
no magician would make appear
no musicion would try
and all you can do is cry
to yourself, when you realize
your all alone
no one is coming,
you will leave this world
with no one there
no one to care
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The white knight kneels
After the long painful road
The burning hot days,
the freezing, bitter nights
Now with head bowed
The tears run down his face
After years of searching
the castle was empty
The hallways echo
with empty footsteps
His sword dangles loosely
From his numbed fingers
The stairs, he finds comfortable
as he sits for eternity, alone
The white of his armor
Stained and rusted from his tears
The hero of this story
has been left behind
the princess of his dreams
made off with the villain
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Everytime I look
I can't help but think of our one night
When we both looked at each other
For what felt like the first time ever
When the tears fell
They were clean and pure
I miss those warm summer nights
You and I sitting close,
Whispering and murmering nothing
Mouth to ear, and back again
Talking about what others do
And don't
Whose not pulling their weight
And whose going two steps farther
No matter how hard I try
I can never get it just right
No matter what happend last time
Never as comfortable as
On the first day
As when we split paths on the final day
Feeling so damn close
But finding finding so many barriers
Always trying to break the walls down
Always getting closer then having it end
Having the oppertunity close
Taking one step back for every two forward
Losing patience
But never conviction
Or love
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And can't help but to think of you,
The nights I've spent dreaming of you,
Your smell, your touch, your taste
I still do, even though I know,
Never can I have you
never again will I be close enough,
to have your scent in my nose,
Feel your fingers on my arm,
your hot breath tickling my ear
laughing at our private little joke,
never will I get close enough
to taste your skin again
feel your weight in my arms
a feather compared to the pull at my heart
your prescence alone almost brings me to my knees,
and after your gone your memory often will
I see you, taste you, feel you, hear you everywhere
Damn you for having this power
not even realizing it, not caring
ignoring what you don't want to know.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Candle lights and your memory
How your body feels,
pressed so tight to mine,
the sting and scrape,
your teeth meeting my neck
bolts of lightning shooting,
from my head to my toes,
centering and collecting,
shocking and exciting
begging, needing, wanting release
from the mental bonds
you look into my eyes
with those beautiful, gorgeous emeralds
tempting and teasing
filling my dreams
with those eyes
But then we dive back into eachother
tasting and teasing the other
causing storms to rip through
shredding, destroying, exciting all
our bodies
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The rain washes the asphalt clean
slides the red stain into the drain
the skid marks are left for now
a physical reainder of the hearts pain
sheared metal reaching towards the sky
the hands of the damned
created from moments of violence
and then the hours of silence
of dreams to often dreamt
and wishes no genie would fulfill
no magician would make appear
no musicion would try
and all you can do is cry
to yourself, when you realize
your all alone
no one is coming,
you will leave this world
with no one there
no one to care
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The white knight kneels
After the long painful road
The burning hot days,
the freezing, bitter nights
Now with head bowed
The tears run down his face
After years of searching
the castle was empty
The hallways echo
with empty footsteps
His sword dangles loosely
From his numbed fingers
The stairs, he finds comfortable
as he sits for eternity, alone
The white of his armor
Stained and rusted from his tears
The hero of this story
has been left behind
the princess of his dreams
made off with the villain
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Everytime I look
I can't help but think of our one night
When we both looked at each other
For what felt like the first time ever
When the tears fell
They were clean and pure
I miss those warm summer nights
You and I sitting close,
Whispering and murmering nothing
Mouth to ear, and back again
Talking about what others do
And don't
Whose not pulling their weight
And whose going two steps farther
No matter how hard I try
I can never get it just right
No matter what happend last time
Never as comfortable as
On the first day
As when we split paths on the final day
Feeling so damn close
But finding finding so many barriers
Always trying to break the walls down
Always getting closer then having it end
Having the oppertunity close
Taking one step back for every two forward
Losing patience
But never conviction
Or love
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Racism
How can you sit there and claim thta your not rascist? Look at the medie. They never tell you a man was killed, a women was raped, a child abducted, they say an African-American man was brutally murdered, a Caucasian women was raped by a gang, and a young hispanic child has gone missing. If you're giving the information to assist in finding the people responsable, that's fine, thta's great, but when you give it to further drive a wedge between races I believe that that is one of the most evil and foul acts of racism that can be committed.
I believe this because you are furthering a practice that segregates based upon, and monopolizes on, the color of a persons skin.
I believe this because you are furthering a practice that segregates based upon, and monopolizes on, the color of a persons skin.
First try, how's it going?
This is my first blog, ever. My name is Sam and I'm 20 years old. I live for music and motorcycles. I build custom guitars and re-build older motorcycles, especially the imports. I've been with my girlfriend for 1 year and 9 months.
Im in the middle of re-building a 1979 Kawasaki KZ400, a 1979 Honda CB550, and a 1983 Honda FT500 Ascot.
My girlfriend hates motorcycles, which is bullshit. She's always trying to get me to be different then the person that I am. I love her, but it hurts that she can't accept me and just learn to deal with things. She's been abused and treated like shit since she was born pretty much, and now shes controlling. Shes acts like a child sometimes, and when she doesn't get her way she ignores or treats me like crap. I love her, and she used to hide this side of her from me better. But now that we've been together so long she doesn't even try anymore.
I hate what I've become, I despise myself and what I've done to my old friends, people who have been with me through thick and thin. I've ignored them in favor for her.
Fuck, I feel like shit, and I've felt like shit for a long time now. Should I get out of this relationship?
Im in the middle of re-building a 1979 Kawasaki KZ400, a 1979 Honda CB550, and a 1983 Honda FT500 Ascot.
My girlfriend hates motorcycles, which is bullshit. She's always trying to get me to be different then the person that I am. I love her, but it hurts that she can't accept me and just learn to deal with things. She's been abused and treated like shit since she was born pretty much, and now shes controlling. Shes acts like a child sometimes, and when she doesn't get her way she ignores or treats me like crap. I love her, and she used to hide this side of her from me better. But now that we've been together so long she doesn't even try anymore.
I hate what I've become, I despise myself and what I've done to my old friends, people who have been with me through thick and thin. I've ignored them in favor for her.
Fuck, I feel like shit, and I've felt like shit for a long time now. Should I get out of this relationship?
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)